


Choose your (last) words

by Hopeful_Foolx



Series: OTP absolute cinnamon rolls [4]
Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Discussions of death, Elnor is a mess, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Support Hugh, Emotional support xB, Episode 9, Hugh is BAMF, Hugh won't let Elnor lose hope, Hugh | Third of Five Lives, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It's Hugh, So yeah, They are talking about Picard, This tag doesn't need to be there like of course he is alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24240217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Foolx/pseuds/Hopeful_Foolx
Summary: Elnor is on the ship when Picard tells the others about his condition. Elnor reacts differently than he did in the show. Hugh is an emotional support xB who gets loud for the first time in his life.
Series: OTP absolute cinnamon rolls [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667231
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Choose your (last) words

**Author's Note:**

> Notes are loooong so I put them at the end ^^ Enjoy the pain my friends and thank you for reading and sticking with me through this series here <3 Your comments and kudos make my day every day, and help me through the doubtsTM :)

Even if he didn’t see where Elnor was running, it wouldn’t be hard for Hugh to find him. The mechanic doors are all open, the rooms behind them to just black holes, and still, the only place Elnor could be is inside theirs. Hugh can’t see him yet, but trusts his instincts when he knocks on the wall inside. 

“Can I come in?” He lets his eyes adjust to the darkness before he steps inside, there is no use in falling over his friend. His mechanic eye makes it easier to see in the dark, though in total darkness he is still blind. Darkvision on one eye would be too much to handle, and he’s had enough of the topic of headaches, even if it seems like everyone just wants him to get them. Picard. Elnor. But he is looking for the latter, trying to make out anything that could count as an answer. It comes in the form of rustling clothes to his left, and when he looks closer, it almost seems like the darkness shifts. It’s answer enough, Elnor could just stay still and silent and nobody would see him,

“I’ll take that as a yes” He murmurs and tries to make out where Elnor is exactly, so he doesn’t fall over him now. The others are outside, he knows the Artifact has crashed here too, he already heard the faint echo of the others in his mind. For a moment it filled him with excitement - which went away the second they landed and Picard… It’s a dagger to his heart to think of it. Cold and heavy in his chest. What Dr. Jurati didn’t believe but what had been confirmed by Picard only minutes ago. What he looked at and hoped wasn’t true, while he didn’t dare to get his hopes up. What he didn’t want to tell Elnor, so he told him they didn’t know when he asked. What is a truth thrown at them without care, without a shell protecting it. 

That the captain is dying.

It’s a ridiculous thought. He never anticipated it, when he is perfectly honest. Picard had always just been Picard, far away mostly, Locutus, someone who’s trust he had to earn. Someone who told him to be a leader to his people and someone he never wanted to disappoint. Someone he looked up to, and in his weak moments, maybe he saw him like a father sometimes. A father who was far away, never visited, never even wrote, but sometimes at least answered back. And, as strange as it was, someone who was proud of him, even if he only found out about Hugh being the director of the Artifact a few hours before arriving there. He was an idea, he was a construct of a person more than a human being, at least he had been before.

And now, he is dying. Of course humans do that. Hugh will too, one day, he came close to it two times in as many weeks now. Picard is dying and he knew, and he told no one until now. Of course Elnor took it badly. And Hugh has to admit, Picard had chosen the way of brutal honesty, the same way Elnor normally seems to follow. Just this time, it had been too much, and right after Picard told them how nobody was allowed to treat him like a dying man, Elnor had just stormed off, while the rest of them remained in stunned silence. Hugh had excused himself in looking for Elnor, but when he was out of their field of vision, took a moment to process it too. Maybe he is different, because as much as Picard means to him, he still only thought about what he would think  _ of him _ . Like an idol he couldn’t come close to, and which he met only on three actual occasions. Perhaps it would have been better if it stayed that way, if Picard never came close to him again, he always brought trouble and he should have known. Just that he thought it was over now, that they are on the planet. He braced for trouble with synths, with everyone, just not Picard himself. And calls himself a fool once again for it now. Picard is a strange man, in all cases. On this ship now is the most time he ever spent with him, and while they had a few moments to chat, there hadn’t been much. An apology for bringing a mess to the Artifact, explaining Soji. A short visit while he had been recovering from his fever (it was the simplest way to call it), including a long speech he couldn’t completely grasp the message of. 

And now he is dying. 

It all comes back to that. It explains a lot, of course. Or, it kind of does. Perhaps this is what motivated him to poke into this mess, but frankly, Hugh can’t blame him for anything. He doesn’t want to blame him for anything, and while he could, he finds he can’t. Because the only good thing in this whole affair is the same man he tries to reach now. 

“What is it with the dark and-” his shin audibly collides with the edge of the bedframe as he tries and fails to walk around it, and he resists the urge to curse, just bites his lip. Perfect. 

“The others are outside, I can… go there too and wait” he proposes, mostly to be polite, “but I am not sure that’s the right idea” The darkness shifts again, but Elnor doesn’t say a word, “Okay then” his searching fingers touch the bedframe, the mattress, a fallen pillow when he carefully sits down on the floor too. He feels for Elnor’s hand, but only touches an arm instead. He has his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them and judging by the sound of his breathing and how the vague shape Hugh can see is formed, his forehead is resting on them. There is still no answer, and he carefully feels his way up from arm to shoulder, to rest his hand there, and he isn’t rejected, he just gets no reaction at all. Words fail the situation, but he says them anyway,

“I know. It’s… It’s sudden. He should have told… anybody. I don’t know how, and it would have changed everything I suppose, but…” No, everything he says is wrong. All of it, every word, he just makes it worse.   
  
“He is dying. He is just… dying-” His voice is muffled and pitched at the same time

“He is”   
  
“I just saw him again, after so many years, I just got a chance to be who he needed me to be again, to be useful and now he is dying and I can’t help him, I can’t protect him from it because I can’t fight it, there is nothing I can do, again, I can’t help, I am just useless again, he didn’t tell us, he  _ lied _ to me!” Judging by the sound of his voice, he lifted his head at least enough to not continue to talk into his knees.

“I think there is a difference between lying and… withholding the truth, he didn’t tell anyone, he wasn’t… asked and said no” It doesn’t matter, he knows it doesn’t matter, “I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it too” 

“He is dying. Why am I here, Hugh?” For the first time, he feels him move next to him, shift and he feels his eyes on him. Hugh lets his hand stay on his shoulder, takes time with his answer. 

“Because he needed you, or maybe, because it was his last chance to see you again. We don’t know, and he won’t tell you” He starts slowly, “He took you here so you could protect him for as long as you could. He needed your help, and still does” 

“I wish I didn’t, if I stayed with Zani and never heard about him again-” 

“Then you’d be there and regret not coming with him. Then he’d be dead, Soji too, I would, the Romulans would have taken over the rest of the xBs anyway - don’t fall into the what ifs. They won’t help, they just make everything worse” It’s too easy to fall into them, it’s too easy to be distracted by them,

“You are here because you care about him and you are here because you made it your duty to protect him against who wants him dead. Not  _ what _ , just  _ who _ . And you still can. The Artifact isn’t far, and while I still don’t know why it is here, we don’t know in what shape it is. And who is still in there, he still needs you. You can still protect him, for as long as it is possible,” It’s strange, suddenly occurs to him. Elnor is caught in the same loop he broke Hugh out of, he has the same doubts just for a different situation. Only that Elnor is great at picking it apart, and Hugh, well, he mostly ignores his own doubts as far as possible. And for as much as he tried to build walls around himself to not let anyone in - Elnor does that now too, and Hugh has no experience in breaking those walls down himself. He knows how Elnor feels because he felt like him before, he knows the circles his thoughts wander in. He just needs to know how to get through to him. He can’t force him to go with them, he doesn’t want to, but they also can’t just leave him here on the ship, all alone. It’s unsolvable, all endings are bad. Everything he could say is bad, nothing can help. He might only get through to him in showing that he understands, that Elnor is not alone in this, but he knows from experience how hard it is to listen.

“But I understand if you’d want to … stay here. And away” A moment of silence follows. The others are probably waiting for them, and Hugh feels the itch in his mind again

“I thought I avoided it, but still I bound my sword to a  _ hopeless _ cause. I thought his cause was lost because he would never find the synth, I thought he would never find her but also never give up looking, so I had to stay forever. And now I see that it’s not that, but  _ he _ is the lost cause. He is the one I can’t bring hope for, and I…” He takes a too quick breath in between and Hugh tries to find anything to say, but there is nothing, “I am not one of the nuns, so I decided to make my own rules, and now I see that I can never do that, I am not one of them, but I am not who I want to be, I can’t protect Picard, I am just useless here, when I can’t fight what is trying to kill him!” There it is, it’s not the first time he noticed, but Elnor sees his worth only in fighting for people. In protecting others. The in-betweens are just that, and it dawns on him that they are really no different.

“You can protect him so he lives for as long as it’s possible. He will die, maybe soon, but… sooner if you are not with him” But Elnor doesn’t register his words, and when he answers, it’s as if Hugh just stayed silent, and maybe it’s better that way. Spoken it feels like the dumbest reasoning he could produce.  _ Only bad things to say _

“I want to be a child again, I want… I need more time! There is so much I still need to tell him, but I won’t have the chance to do it, because he is dying and we have a mission, I can’t-” his breathing quickens and Hugh shifts to sit in front of him, but he isn’t finished yet, “I need him to know I am not angry, not anymore, that I missed him so, so much when he was gone, I need him to know that, I need him to know that he is still the same man to me he was when I was a child, even though he let me down, that I forgave him for it” 

“Elnor, listen to me,” He tries it again, repeats one phrase over and over, there must be something, anything to get through to him, “he knows. He knows it. You showed him through your actions, you don’t have to tell him. But right now, here and now, he needs you. There is a lot of danger on this planet, he needs you. And you are still you, he is still him, that’s why he didn’t want anyone to know, he doesn’t want things to change. If you stay here, everyone would understand. But you would give up your chance of spending time with him, possibly the last. Things don’t have to change now”   
  
“I can’t just forget it!”   
  


“No, you can’t, you shouldn’t. None of us can, we are all just trying to ignore it, trying so hard, that we may be able to fool even ourselves in the end. And that’s it. That’s all we can do” They all hurt, they will all think about it. And they will all act as if it’s not happening, “We need you. If you need him to know how much you care, you can show him, you made me see hope where I thought there couldn’t be. You are stronger than you admit, and you will find your hope when-”

“There is no hope!” Hugh flinches back when Elnor shouts at him. He never heard him shout before, and he can’t see his face but he practically feels the look on it, and he suddenly realizes that he doesn’t know  _ this  _ Elnor yet. They don’t know each other for long enough, they are new to the other still, and it also means that their sides are too. Hugh knows a worried Elnor, a somewhat happy one, he knows a lot of his shades by now - but this Elnor? Hopeless? Elnor wouldn’t, the Elnor he knows wouldn’t say that. His Elnor would listen, this one doesn’t seem to even do that. No matter what he says, no matter what he tries, he doesn’t listen, he just  _ hears _ him. Nothing more. They stay silent for a while, 

“So you lied to me” It’s ridiculous, but maybe it gets his attention enough to make him actually listen to him. Elnor can’t lie, or maybe he can, but he would just not do it. He is special like that, honesty protects him, it’s brutal but in a way also beautiful. Because he is just him, without a million layers to see through, complicated in a much different way than other people are. It’s his core, it’s who he is and frankly, who Hugh grew to appreciate and care about, who he may even fell in love with, but that doesn’t matter: It’s him. Others laugh about him for it, he gets called out for it, and rude comments. But he stays true to himself anyway, because that’s just  _ him _ , and he wouldn’t stop being himself so easily. So suggesting he lies? It’s a jump that’s hopefully not off a cliff, but it’s the only one he has.

“What?!” And it seems to work

“You told me that there are no hopeless causes. You talked to me about hope for an entire evening, you did it again in sickbay, just days ago, so maybe it’s my turn now?” He presses his hands together, heated arguments are not usually his kind of discussion, not with friends. He had them, lots of them, on the Artifact, sure, but even if he had to choose his words with care then too, it had always been about the safety of others. While now, it was about the two of them, everyone else be damned for a second. Even if he didn’t come with them in the end, even if he really wanted to stay behind, and Hugh is sure he doesn’t, he doesn’t know what he wants or he would have said it. But he couldn’t let him sit here alone, not with those thoughts, not doubting everything he is now. He feels angry at Picard for dropping this on them, and he is angry at himself for seemingly taking it easier, he is angry about Elnor’s feelings which is ridiculous. He wants to change them, rewrite them in a way he can see himself the way Hugh sees him, change a line in programming to spare both of them all the talking and jump to what is so important that Hugh not even spares a thought about running off to the Artifact without him now. His hand trembles and he talks too fast, but he has Elnor’s attention for now, and it’s all he can work with, “If you didn’t mean every word, that’s fine. Just know that I mean every single one. I understand that you are hurt, I understand that this is hard. But I won’t let you just sulk here saying that there is  _ no hope _ when you taught me what it is. The Artifact is here, and I am terrified of going there. But if there is a chance one single xB is still alive? That is hope. And Seven of Nine being there, and Soji finally finding her people. Us maybe changing something. But right now, you act as if Picard is already dead. While this is so much bigger than you, and me, and the Artifact. I think Picard grasped that. And he knew he was going to die, but he also chose to do something with his time, to make a difference. And he wanted you with him.” He has to take a break and breathe, but now he found a red line to walk along to, “And you will get hurt in the process, we all will. It will rip your heart out and you will wish you never felt that way and nobody else ever will. And this is the point, you are not a lonely fighter, you are not alone in this. And when it happens, you’ll have Raffi and Soji and -” He swallows, “and me. You said you wouldn’t leave, but I won’t leave either. You have everyone, and me”   
It’s a quick decision, but there is not a lot of deciding involved when he just reaches forward to grab Elnor by the shoulders to pull him closer. 

Physical contact is something that grounds both of them, they both enjoy it, in this way at least. And they both find themselves craving it, just in different ways. Hugh knows he could ask, he just can’t, it’s wrong for him to do so, but he doesn’t have to be the one inducing it. Elnor hugs, a lot. Spontaneously because he has  _ a feeling _ , randomly. And in moments with so much between them they can’t resolve it differently, like the moment in sickbay. It’s special when Hugh is brave enough to actually seek it out, he doesn’t think about it, he just does it. Somewhat relieved when Elnors arms wrap around him quickly, tightly. They both keep quiet, and a tension Hugh didn’t even realize leaves him. He can’t leave Elnor here. Not just because he knows it will bring back memories, but for more egoistic reasons too. He needs him. They feel the same pain, they grew so close to each other in the last weeks, spending so much time together - he doesn’t want to let him go now. Or ever again. Hugh knows how Elnor feels, and maybe he can give back now, for all that Elnor did for him. Not because he has to, but because he wants to.

“I don’t know what to say” Minutes must have passed when Elnor finally says something. His voice is hal choked-off, but he isn’t crying. 

“A yes or no would be enough. Come with us?” The hug tightens for a moment and he feels Elnor burying his face in the crook of Hugh’s neck. And he stays that way for minutes, until a quiet but firm 

“Yes” is the answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Do you know these people that have a pizza an just put extra salami and cheese and whatnot on it until nobody is sure if it counts as Pizza or not, but it's just... a lot more than before, not neccessarily better? Yeah, that is what this is. Since I am going to write the reunion of Elnor and Picard out (we were ROBBED in the show, oh yes), I wanted to write this too. It's not because I wasn't happy with the way things went in the show, but I established like three weeks in between Artifact and Soji's planet, and also, I want Elnor to have his feelings. He has a right to have them. This might be terrible, and out of character (not sure about that part), but it's pain and hugs. It's also to have something up before the next part of the series, which will have a few chapters again (but not over 30k words again. Likely.), and is in the works


End file.
